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INTERNAL MONOLOGUE 1.0

“Whatever it is that you’re thinking, it is not real and it will never be. It may seems real. It is just not. All that are just some falsely stereotypical images portrayed by the media as part of their wicked schemes to fiddle around our easily influenced and weak mind.”

BY NOW

Right now,
I’m not supposed to be here;
I’m supposed to wake up in a different bed;
I’m supposed to live in a different light, in a different city, in a different house – probably brownstone;
I’m supposed to meet with a bunch of new unfamiliar faces;
I’m supposed to make new friends with the strangers that I’m supposed to be surrounded with;
I’m supposed to be cycling around the park;
I’m supposed to do things I don’t normally do;
I’m supposed to eat more greens;
I’m supposed to be stronger and healthier;
And I’m supposed to follow my dream.
By now, things should not be normal. Things should be different.

We can only plan, right?

“…and tomorrow will reveal itself as it should, just as yesterday already has.”

SELF-CONFINEMENT

“The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think.” – David Icke

We spend most of our breathing life trying to impress people. We are so often caught up with this idea just so we’ll be accepted; by people, by the world. Are we really that desperate? Do we really need to be accepted? Why can’t we just be ourselves? We change the way we talk, the way we walk, the way we do things; possibly everything. And for what? In the end, it just gonna leave us feeling useless and worthless because we are not ourselves anymore. It’s a waste of time and energy. Why are we so concerned about our image and the way others see us, anyway? I think it’s time for us to cut loose, be ourselves and believe on who we are instead of what we wear.

“We confine ourselves inside our own walls.”

A YEAR AGO

A year ago, today, she was happy. The happiest kid on the planet. She had the brightest smile and the loudest laugh. Her days were awesome and her nights were never dull. She had fun and was fun to be with. She was on top of the world at that moment. She enjoyed doing things and enjoyed learning new stuff. She was happy, healthy and strong; physically and emotionally.

But these were 365 days ago. What changed? What happened?

MISTAKES

We make choices we later regret, and that’s okay. Sometimes we do and say things we didn’t mean, and that’s also okay. But it is only an okay if we can learn something out of it because only then we know what’s wrong and vice versa. But the thing is why do we get so often haunted by these mistakes and can’t seem to forgive ourselves? If we can learn from it then why the hell are we so fudging afraid of making mistakes? Why do we avoid them? Why is it so negatively perceived and seen as a bad and terrible thing?

COULD HAVE. SHOULD HAVE.

I came across an entry I wrote 3 years ago. I remember that night and why I wrote it. I was so angry at someone because that person tried to take an advantage of me. But I was actually more angry with myself because I failed to speak up and was too afraid to say ‘No’. Reading it now makes me laugh at myself and my nonexistent drama. I could have just simply said no and move on with life. Instead, I said yes only to regret it almost immediately after and then got stressed out over it trying to figure out how to turn down the favor without burning any bridges. I should have said no in the first place. I should have.

At the end of the post, there’s some kind of footnote reminder I wrote for the future me, which reads: ‘So dear future me, think twice. Don’t make promises when you know you can barely keep it just because you don’t want to hurt peoples feeling. Then, what about your feeling? Stop hurting yourself. Saying no sometimes is not bad, though.’

At the end of the day, all I’m gonna have left is myself. No ones gonna be there but myself when it all comes to an end. I learned it the hard way.